


Ilunga

by CupidStrikes



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: A+ Parenting, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-13 06:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/821185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CupidStrikes/pseuds/CupidStrikes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do I need a reason to visit my only son?” </p><p>Tokiya's estranged father appears after STARISH's debut and seems eager to make amends with his son. The others worry his intentions might not be quite so benevolent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been sat on this plotbunny for a while now but trying to execute it in a way I find satisfying is proving to be somewhat challenging. I'm going on what little information I could find out about Tokiya's past and his relationship with his parents so just run with me for now and if anything gets jossed by tomorrow's episode...oh well.

_Years make everything all right._

It's not unusual for Shining Saotome to interrupt Starish's performance practices. In fact, it had become a rarer occurrence for him _not_ to show up at some point or another. Today, however, was not to inform them of some whim or another of his, but to announce a guest. An unsolicited one. Twirling down from the ceiling on stage wires, with more grace than a man of his stature should have, he places his feet on the ground with a soft noise and a sparse sprinkling of glitter. He points to Tokiya with a grin.

“This sudden guest is for you, Mister Ichinose! Your father! Go, go, go, don't keep him waiting!” Tokiya stares at Shining until long after the man has skipped off, and Tokiya's bewildered gaze bores into the white marble of the wall instead. The others look at each other and shrug until Otoya approaches and gently nudges Tokiya's arm, stepping in front of him to peer into his eyes.

“Tokiya? Are you all right?” Tokiya slowly shakes his head and rubs his forehead.

“Fine. This is just...unexpected, is all.” One side of his mouth quirks upwards and he walks past Otoya towards the door. Otoya follows and, after a pause, so do the others. Haruka to fall into step with Otoya and looks up at him with a puzzled expression. Otoya shakes his head and gives her a lopsided smile. He doesn't know, either, and if he did it wouldn't be his place to tell her.

The venue for this meeting could have been better; the entrance hall to the Shining Manor is more tasteful than the man's usual decorating whims – all white and grey marble floors and walls, and paintings of the man himself that somehow manage to look both elegant and caricaturesque at once. The ceiling is high, one of the highest in the building, and the amount of empty space means that every little noise is amplified and reverberated back several times. It was Shining's favourite room for this exact reason. Most of the walls were taken up by large white-paned windows, and the noon sunlight made the floor and staircase gleam painfully bright.

At first, it seems as though the room is empty, but then Tokiya spots a man stood by one of the windows. Beyond the windows, in the grounds, stands Shining's largest fountain. The one with all the Shining Saotome cherubs urinating into a pail held by a scantily-clad maiden. The man is wearing a rumpled grey suit, his hands tucked into his pockets, and Tokiya can see a few streaks of white in his dark hair even from this distance. His shoe squeaks on the stair with his next step and the man turns around and looks up. Tokiya has not seen his father in over a decade but there is no mistaking him when he looks him in the face. Though he had always been told that he had taken after his mother, certainly by way of complexion and hair colour, he could see the similarities in their facial structure: the way his father held his jaw, the slight bump at the end of his nose. He stops and doesn't move until he feels a hand apply a gentle pressure to the small of his back and Otoya murmurs his name. He hears Haruka echo it, wonders when she arrived, and then walks down the rest of the flight of stairs.

His father approaches and meets him at the bottom stair. He stands at least a half foot taller than Tokiya, and when he smiles his eyes narrow to slits that makes Tokiya wonder if he's exaggerating it.

“Tokiya.” His name sounds wrong in the man's mouth. He pronounces the 'k' too hard and barely pronounces the 'I' at all. He puts it down to disuse, and varying dialects.

“Father.” He tightens a hand into a fist a his side, unsure what to do from here. He can see his father do the same until he raises one hand and pats Tokiya on the head once, twice, and takes his hand back.

“You look well.” Tokiya nods and returns the statement. Shifting on his feet, he steps aside and gestures towards the group behind him.

“These are my col-....my friends, father.” He stands back, silently watches the way his father curtly introduces himself. He'll have forgotten their names within the hour, he's sure of it. The other members of Starish shuffle out afterwards to give Tokiya and his father some privacy. Haruka and Otoya are the last to leave and they both wave at him and grin widely before closing the door behind them. The sound echoes around the hall as if they had slammed it. Tokiya turns back to his father.

“Why are you here?” The older man's dark eye narrow a little, and he should be offended by how accusing that comes out, but he just smiles at Tokiya.

“Do I need a reason to visit my only son?” Tokiya's arm twitches, both of them aching to fold across his chest. He resists the urge. The ache is good. It keeps him focussed on his words and not the panic and confusion that wants to coil around his brain like a garrotte wire.

“You left.” His father exhales deeply and rubs his left thumb against the index and middle fingers of the same time. Both are yellowed at the second knuckle.

“That was a long time ago, Tokiya.”

“It was.” Tokiya nods. He hates the way he feels every inch of himself in minute detail. Can feel the sweat beading on his palms and dampening the roots of his hair. The slight sway in his posture. Breathe. Out. In.

“I'm sorry. I was mistaken.” Tokiya looks up at him, and loathes the hope that quickens the beat of his heart. The corners of his vision blur and shift slightly, and he swallows around the dryness in his mouth.

“I'm sorry, Tokiya.”

Tokiya has never been fond of physical contact. Has always hated to be touched without warning, especially intimately, and finds it awkward to try and instigate it. He doesn't hesitate now, and he grasps the front of his father's suit in one hand and steps up close to him. His father smells of faint traces of sandalwood and fake musk cologne under the scent of stale tobacco and office air-freshener. It's unfamiliar, but Tokiya's memories of his father are time-hazed and worn from years of trying to forget all about them. He feels himself flush and moisture gather at the corner of his eyes as he presses his face into his father's chest. A button is digging into his chin, and the fabric is rough against his skin but Tokiya doesn't pull away. He feels his father move after a moment, and his shoulders tremble when arms cross his back. Biting his lip, Tokiya sniffs and muffles the sob that tries to fight its way out of his lungs into the grey polyester, and is glad that the others had left. His father silently rubs his back, little anti-clockwise strokes that crease and straighten his son's shirt.

  
“I'm sorry.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The deja vu was giving Otoya a headache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand part two! I don't know how many chapters this will be OTL. I spoke too soon when I said the new episode would joss this >/ I hope Tokiya's episode is next week. I need my angst.

_I don't understand the same things as you  
but I do._

 

Otoya glanced at his phone for the third time that minute and shook his head, turning back to the rest of Starish.

“I don't think he's going to call me back.” Syo growled and kicked the chair he was sitting on onto its back legs, folding his arms across his chest. Ren leant against the windowsill and glanced at Masato, then Haruka.

“So Ichi is ditching us again?” He rapped his fingers on the wall, once, twice, three times, and then pushed off from it. “I thought he had been serious that night.” His eyes narrow, and Haruka clasps her hands together in front of her as if in prayer for a moment. She stands from the piano bench.

“I'm sure he doesn't mean-”

“This is the third time. In four days. And we didn't have practice yesterday.” Masato grimaces, hates to be so curt with Haruka, and hates to doubt Tokiya, too. He had been sincere when he had begged them to let him sing with them before their debut audition. Even as good an actor as Tokiya was, there had been no faking the waver in his voice from the strain of trying not to cry in front of them. In front of Haruka.

“He said he hadn't seen his father since he was a kid.” Otoya bit the inside of his cheek and dialled Tokiya's number again. The deja vu was giving him a headache. “If it were me I'd probably do the same.” He raised the phone to his ear as the connection tone whispered through the receiver before fading into the steady heart-beating sound as somewhere in town Tokiya's phone began to ring.

“Otoya.” The redhead jumps when he hears his name, realising he hadn't actually been expecting Tokiya to pick up at all. He fumbles with his phone, just narrowly avoiding dropping it and he presses it to his ear again even as his free arm flails to keep him balanced and in his seat.

“Tokiya! Where are you? I mean....Practice started ten minutes ago and you're not here. Again.” The others have turned their attention to Otoya, and he feels his face heating up and the urge to turn away for privacy throbs in the side of his head. He ignores it. Listens to the way the man on the other end of the line inhales, the rush of wind and static as a car drives past.

“I'll head back soon. I promise. I...Otoya, I'm sorry. I'll talk to you about it later.” Otoya doubts that but doesn't say so. He hears a deeper voice in the background, the rough connection mauls his words into an incoherent mess. Otoya thinks he hears Tokiya's name, their band's, but he can't be certain. Cloth rustles against the handset and Otoya is sure Tokiya is pinching the bridge of his nose on the other end.

“Tell the others not to wait, and that I'm sorry.” He hangs up, and Otoya slowly lowers the phone, flicks it closed with a practised movement of his wrist. Across the room Ren straightens up and stretches his arms above his head.

“Ichi's not coming, is he.” It's not a question. Otoya shakes his head and pushes his phone back into his pocket. Ren and Masato share a look and both head for the door.

“Well, so much for this, then. It's not good with the five of us.” Grasping the door hand and pushing it down, Ren pauses before he pulls the door open, “Ikki, try to talk some sense into Tokiya when he finally finds his way back here.” He looks at Otoya, nods, and then leaves the room. Masato follows, and, after releasing an aggravated sigh that is louder than necessary and echoes off the walls, so does Syo and Natsuki. Otoya looks over at Haruka and smiles at her, standing and heading over to lean against the piano.

“I'm sure he'll explain everything later.” Haruka gathers the manuscript sheets up, checking they are in the correct order, and taps them against her thigh to straighten them. “I know Ichinose won't quit.”

“The others aren't gonna be so forgiving, though.” Otoya looks down and presses the toe of his shoe against one of the plastic cups that prevented the piano's feet from scuffing the floor. “What if they refuse to work with him?” Harmony or not, Otoya wasn't sure he could blame the other four boys for growing impatient. Tokiya should know better.

“I hope...” Haruka stands, brushing her skirt to smooth the creases from being sat at the piano for so long, and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “No...I know Ichinose will convince them. He said he wants to sing with them.”

“Haruka...” When she looks up at him Otoya can see the light catch and reflect off of the tears catching in her eyelashes, and he gingerly steps close and wraps an arm around her. His palm grips her shoulder gently as his other arm crosses her waist until he feels her lean into him, her head against his own shoulder.

“He promised.” Her voice is muffled into the fabric of Otoya's jumper, and if they weren't so close he might have missed it. “He worked so hard for it before. Does he not-”

“He still wants this.” Otoya shook his head, not wanting to hear those words aloud lest it somehow make it real. “Tokiya wouldn't do that to us.” He had made himself ill trying to keep his place in their group before, and Otoya knew Tokiya wouldn't have done that on a whim. That was he was the happiest he had been since Otoya had met him. That Tokiya leaving would leave a gap no one else could fill.

“Why?” Haruka shifts in his arms and looks up at him, her eyelids heavy over her amber eyes and her gaze flicks over his shoulder the moment Otoya looks down at her. “I don't understand why this changes everything.”

“I'm sure he's just trying to make up for lost time with his dad.” Otoya smiles at her and ducks down to press his lips to her forehead. Haruka looks back at him when he does this, and Otoya blushes.

“Ah uhm, my mother used to do that. When I was upset. Said it helped.” He releases Haruka and steps back, rubbing the back of his neck and giving her a sheepish smile. She smiles and leans up on her toes to kiss his cheek in return.

“I can't reach yours but...Thank you, Ittoki.” She reaches for the pile of manuscript paper and gathers it into her arms. “I hope that Ichinose will talk to you tonight.” Otoya nods. He does, too.

“I'll see you at dinner.” Haruka smiles at him again, walks towards the door, and is gone. Otoya turned back to the window, Tokiya's usual seat under it, and shakes his head before he does the same.

 

_I hope you're right, Haruka._

 

_* * *_

 

Tokiya returns just past dinner time. Otoya had been reading an article on a new effects pedal when the door opens, and he ditches the magazine haphazardly onto the coffee table when he looks up and sees his band mate stood there.

“Tokiya.” The other man smiles slightly, closes the door behind himself, and sits down opposite Otoya. He rests his elbows on his thighs and props his chin up on his clasped hands. Otoya waits until Tokiya finally looks at him before speaking.

“We missed you today.” Tokiya nods.

“I know.”

“Tokiya...I...I know that if I were in your place I would do the same. I told you I never met my dad, right? So I totally understand how this must feel for you and all, and I am really happy for you. We all are. I know the others are a bit bad a showing it. Especially Ren. I think there's something he's not telling us and-”

“Otoya.” He scrubs a hand through his dark hair and a corner of his mouth twitches upwards. “I know they're angry. I don't blame them.” Otoya shakes his head.

“They're happy for you.” He insists. They're all friends, and even if the others are annoyed they don't hold it against Tokiya that he's happy to have his father back in his life. He's sure of it. “You always sing perfectly so it's not like you even need the practice that much.”

“Singing perfectly doesn't mean I'll be able to harmonise with you all well.”

“Tokiya...” He shakes his head and bites down his disagreement. “Tell me you'll be there tomorrow.”

“I will.” Tokiya nods, and Otoya believes him. He smiles then and leans back against the cushions of the sofa.

“So...What did you two do today?” Tokiya tilts his head forward and rubs his arm briefly.

“We had coffee, and we talked.” Otoys frowns slightly before nodding and motioning at Tokiya with one hand.

“And? What did you talk about?” Tokiya gives him a look and he shrugs. “What? I told you all about my past, didn't I?”

“I didn't ask you to.”

“Don't be so cold, Tokiya!” Tokiya pinches the bridge of his nose, his shoulders slumping as he shakes his head.

“My father left when I was eleven. I had...wanted to be an idol, and it...disgusted him.” Otoya sits forward, rests his hands in his lap as they ache to reach towards the other man. “I hadn't seen him since...until the other day.” Tokiya doesn't look at him, but each word is short, considered, and Otoya knows this upsets him.

“Why...? There's nothing wrong with being an idol...is there?”

“He didn't want his only son turning out like _that_.” Tokiya's lip curls on the last word, and the tone is so unlike Tokiya that he must be mimicking the way he says it.

“Like...” Tokiya looks at him. “But you're not even...!”

“That's not the point. Real men don't do this.” Tokiya shakes his head.

“He doesn't still think like that, does he?”

“No...He hasn't mentioned it.” And well, they had passed a couple of billboards and other advertisements for Starish, so it wasn't like his father could possibly be unaware.

“I'm sorry.” Otoya rubs his hair and shrugs when Tokiya looks at him. “It must have been hard. But...you still became an idol and all...”

“My mother wanted me to do it. More so than ever after the divorce. I suppose...that it got me away from her.”

“You don't know that.” Otoya frowned.

“Don't I?” Tokiya pushed up to his feet and headed over to his bunk to fish his pyjamas out from underneath his pillow. “Her husband left her because of me.”

“It wasn't your fault?” Tokiya jumps when Otoya grabs his arm, and tries to pull away before the other boy leans up to stare into his eyes. “Don't....Don't be ridiculous!” Tokiya doesn't look away this time.

“It was. Is.” He shrugs with one shoulder and turns to pick up the shirt he had dropped. “I haven't spoken to my mother since I debuted as HAYATO.” He smirked, and a low laugh left him. “Guess she'd hoped I would at least be a respectable idol.”

“Tokiya-”

“It doesn't matter, Otoya.” He stepped back and away from Otoya. “Not any more, anyway.” He smiles at him. The corners of his eyes crease slightly, and Otoya finds himself returning it, that his irritation fades away and he really _is_ happy for Tokiya.

“You should apologise to Haruka.” It's easy to tease him. Tokiya smirks faintly and nods.

“I will. Tomorrow. I don't want to disturb her now.”

“She's happy for you too.”

“I know.” He doubted Haruka had it in her to hate anyone, and that anyone she might dislike would have to deserve it. He was fortunate.

“Thank you, Otoya.” The redhead tilts his head and blinks.

“Uh?”

“For understanding.” Otoya grins and shrugs, pats Tokiya's shoulder when he walks past towards the bathroom.

“Any time, Tokiya. What are friends for?” He winks at him, and closes the bathroom door. Tokiya hears the shower a moment later and takes the opportunity to tug his shirt off and reach for his pyjamas again. He won't miss practice tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Otoya was sure they could talk it out.

Part Three

 

_My masterpiece will fall apart.  
It was over before the start._

 

It is Shining's complete disregard for their privacy that does it. Haruka and Otoya bumped into him on their way back from picking up spare guitar strings, and the man leans in close, rubbing his chin.

“It seems Mr. Ichinose's father is in debt.” He straightens up a moment later and beams at them. “Miss Nanami, I hope you'll have a new song for me soon.” He bounds away then, leaving the two staring down the corridor after him in shock. Haruka is the first to move, and turns to look up at Otoya, clasping a hand to her chest.

“Ittoki, you don't think...”

“Huh? I'm sure it's just the President being...himself. How does he even find this out...” he shakes his head and walks several more paces towards the practice room before he realises Haruka isn't following him.

“Haruka?”

“Ichinose has been taking on more work recently.” Haruka doesn't look at him but starts walking again until they're stood close once more. Otoya has noticed how they've seen less of Tokiya lately but he had put it down to them all practising hard on their own and figured their schedules just didn't match up well.

“How do you-”

“Mr. Hyuuga told me to congratulate Tokiya on finding so much work, and said that I should encourage the rest of you to do the same.” Otoya tilted his head slightly.

“But why...”

“Who knows. Maybe we _are_ reading too much into this.” Haruka smiles at him, the corners of her eyes not quite creasing enough, and walks off towards the practice room. The door glides shut behind her, catches on the door frame, and through the sliver Otoya can already hear the first few chords of her latest song. He looks back down the corridor towards his and Tokiya's room. Later, he'll ask about it. He hopes it's nothing, but he knows Tokiya, and knows he's incapable of asking for help or advice when he needs it. Knows he would rather fail alone than admit he can't handle something alone. Surely, though, his father wouldn't do that to his only son? What Otoya remembered of his mother was all warmth and soft words. He had been that told he had survived the plane crash only because he had been shielded from the wreckage by her body. His own father...he didn't know. He was sure there was a good reason. Parents were supposed to love their children. Tokiya had said his father had apologised for the way he had treated him back when he was a child. He had said sorry. Things were different now. Otoya rubbed the palm of his hand across his face and headed for the practice room. They were friends. He was sure they could talk it out.

 

* * *

 

“Tokiya...we're...I'm kind of concerned...”

“About what?” Tokiya folds his arms across his chest and shifts forward on the sofa. His foot rubs little circles into the carpet leaving the light shag pile sticking on end.

“About...Your dad.” Otoya tugs at his hair and wishes he had let Haruka do this, or Ren, or hell, Natsuki would probably do a better job at this. “I know....that he asked you for money.” He twines his hands in his lap and looks up from them, flinches when he sees the way Tokiya's eyes narrow and the crease between his eyebrows.

“That's hardly your business.”

“But Tokiya-!”

“None of your business. Or the others.”

“We're your friends, Tokiya-”

“Then why can't you just be happy for me?” Tokiya stands up and Otoya almost trips over when he lunges after him. He's gripping Tokiya's arm too tightly he's sure of it but he can't let Tokiya walk away now. Not yet.

“It's not like that, Tokiya!” He straightens up and reaches to grasp Tokiya's other shoulder, tries to make the other boy look at him. Tokiya shrugs out of his hold and tugs at his hand.

“Otoya-”

“Tokiya, he's using you! Don't you see?” Otoya probably should have expected Tokiya to react to that. It takes several seconds for the pain to register when Tokiya punches him and Otoya staggers backwards a pace, two, three, his grip loosening on Tokiya's arm to go to his face and he tastes blood when he swallows. He opens and closes his mouth on lost words and fumbles at Tokiya's sleeve again. His hand leaves a red smear on the white fabric that both of them ignore.

“Tokiya...”

“You're jealous.”

“What?” Otoya's fingers go lax as he stares up into Tokiya's face. He has to squint as tears blur his vision to a fracas of shapeless colours. “Tokiya...”

“That's why you keep trying to hold me back.”

“Tokiya no! I-”

“Just stop it, Ittoki.” Otoya's next breath is a sob when he hears Tokiya revert back to his surname. A year of work trying to have him unbend enough to use his first name...gone. He fumbles at his arm again but Tokiya pushes his hands off, brushes the creases out of his sleeve.

“We're trying to help you.” Tokiya looks back and watches the way Otoya stares off at a crack in the wallpaper. The redness around his eyes and the slight tremors in the hand pressed to his cheek as he struggles not to cry.

“Well don't.” He turns around and almost walks into Reiji. _How long had he been there_?

“Apparently not long enough.” Tokiya hadn't realised he had spoken aloud but it doesn't matter. He shakes his head and goes to walk around the older man when Reiji steps to the side to block him.

“That was uncalled for.” Reiji looks up at him and Tokiya realises he has never seen him angry before, maybe annoyed at the most, but not angry, and certainly not like this. He can hear in his voice that Reiji is grinding his teeth, and his posture is all straight and stiff. The expression on his face is less a scowl and more a grimace, as if it physically pained him to feel this way.

“I don't think this concerns you.” Reiji scoffs and opens his mouth to retaliate when Otoya speaks from behind them.

“It's okay Reiji....just leave it.” His voice wavers on the last three words, and Tokiya crosses his arms across his chest as he waits for Reiji to move. Their senpai stares past him at Otoya, then shakes his head and steps aside. Tokiya walks for the door, their shoulders brushing as he does so.

“Tokiya.” Reiji has never used his name before, always some nickname or other, and it prompts him to glance over his shoulder. “I'm disappointed in you.” He sees Reiji wince from the corner of his eye when he snorts at the comment but Tokiya doesn't stop this time. He lets the door idle to a close behind him as he heads down the long white hallway to the front door, checking his watch. He wouldn't be surprised if the two of them had planned to try and corner him like that, and supposed he just ought to be grateful Otoya hadn't fetched the rest of Starish and Haruka to stage whatever kind of intervention he had been hoping for. It was none of their business what he used his money for. He knew Otoya made monthly payments to the orphanage he grew up in, surely the situation was exactly the same? He had thought the others had been so short with him recently because he had been missing practice, but perhaps they really did just want to keep him away from his father. None of them really had a decent relationship with their own after all. They were all jealous, and wanted to keep him from salvaging his own. Well, who needed them?

Outside, Tokiya's father was waiting in his car, and he smiled at his son when he exited the building and walked over.

“Good evening.” Tokiya nodded and smiled back thinly. “Ready?” Another nod. His father tilted the key in the ignition and pulled away from the curb and away from Shining Manor. Tokiya didn't look back, and didn't see the shadow in one of the windows watching them leave.

 

* * *

 

It takes a good half hour for Reiji to get the full story out of Otoya. Once he has finally helped him calm down Otoya doesn't want to tell him at all, feels it's not his place, but as Reiji gently reasons that it's for his own good, will help him figure out a way to help _Tokiya_ , Otoya breaks and tells him everything. That yes, Tokiya's right and he had been a little jealous at first, but he hadn't ever not been happy for him, and that he didn't want to take Tokiya away from his father out of spite. That he overheard them talking about his father's debt last week but had disregarded it, that he hates the way the man speaks to Tokiya sometimes. The way Tokiya lets him when Otoya knows he wouldn't take that from anyone else. Reiji nods silently and rubs his back, closes his eyes and lets Otoya lean against his shoulder once he's finished.

“So you really think he's using him?”

“Mm. I know he is.” Otoya looks up at him, rubs his nose with the back of his hand. “Why is Tokiya doing this....He knows we care about him.”

“Because he's a stubborn idiot.” Reiji shakes his head and ruffles his junior's short hair, tucks his arm around his waist afterwards and rests his head against Otoya's. “It's not your fault.”

“But he's not going to realise...!” Otoya tenses and frees a hand to gesture at the ceiling. Reiji gently catches it and brings it back to rest on their bodies.

“Well...Tokiya's a big boy now. He'll have to learn the hard way if he won't listen to you.” Otoya looks up at him and Reiji must look as miserable as he feels over the whole situation because he doesn't argue. “It's up to him now, Otoyan.” He knows how it feels to have your friends turn on you and he wishes there were more he could do to spare the younger man the pain.

“So...What now?”

“We wait for Tokiya to figure things out, and then you can decide how much apologising you want him to do before you'll forgive him.” Otoya snorts, but Reiji can see the corners of his lips pulling upwards.

“What makes you think I'll forgive him at all?”

“I know you, Otoyan.”

“Part of me doesn't want to forgive him at all, though.”

“Well, I'd be concerned if you would forgive him for saying that right away.” Reiji smirked and flicked Otoya's cheek gently, “Are you going to warn the others?”

“Haruka already knows...but I don't want her to worry more than she already is.” He had a feeling she would know something had happened anyway, though. “Tokiya was pretty mean to her before we all got together...I hope...I sure hope he doesn't snap at her, too.” Reiji sighed softly, his breath disturbing the strands of brown hair that hung in front of his face. There's not a lot Otoya can do to prevent that. If he says the wrong thing to her, Reiji is sure that the rest of Starish wouldn't put up with it. He had grown fond of both his juniors in the time they had known each other, and though he doubted Tokiya felt similarly, he didn't want to lose one of them. Could Starish afford to lose Tokiya? If it came down to it...they likely could. There were other talented idols out there who could probably match his pitch and tone. Reiji shook his head at the thought, not wishing to consider such an outcome. Beside him, Otoya shifted and pressed his face into Reiji's shoulder more and he realised that he had fallen asleep. Smiling to himself, Reiji slowly inched down into a more horizontal position and moved Otoya's hand from between them, getting himself comfortable.

“Night, Otoyan.” He murmured, reaching over and feeling his way up the lamp cord until he found the switch. He stared up at his collection of glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling until their glow faded to barely discernible blobs of green, blue, and pink before closing his eyes and letting the even breathing of the boy next to him lull him into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly I have nearly 6000 words of this 0_o why can't I be this motivated for my original work? Maybe it's related to the anime ignoring Tokiya and not giving him his drama and angst yet *shakes fist*. Plenty more pain coming in the next chapters, though, muwahahaha.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The absence of Otoya's name in his call log is strange and Tokiya doesn't want to think about why.

_Consider this, the slip_  
 _that brought me to my knees_ _.  
_

 

The first time Tokiya's father had asked him for money he hadn't thought anything of it. It wasn't like he was struggling; he had plenty of it saved from his work as HAYATO, and even more from sales of Starish's debut CD and concert. It wasn't anything he would notice, and it wasn't like he spent a whole lot of it either. Besides, he was family. The only family Tokiya had. Ten years hadn't made him forget how good it felt to hear his father praise him, and he had ten years of silence and assumed disgust to make up for. It wasn't a big deal.

The second time, less than a week later, five days and six hours later, Tokiya had asked why. His father's smile had weakened at the corners, only slightly, but Tokiya noticed it. He noticed everything. He had sighed heavily and run a hand through his short hair, several strands coming free and floating down to rest on his shoulder, his knee, the stained carpet in his car. Feeling the cold, dry-mouthed panic creeping back up his throat, Tokiya back-peddled. Rubbed the back of his neck and smiled at his father, assured him it was no big deal, he was just curious. He still didn't learn the cause of the debt, but that it was debt and there was interest to be paid. He let the condescending tone slide, he supposed his father had no reason to believe Tokiya had ever had reason to learn about this at _that poncy school_.

The third is just after his argument with Otoya and whilst Tokiya can't escape the memory of Otoya's eyes going wide when he had told him he was jealous. He snaps, and the memory of panic darts across his mind when his father's forehead creases and his eyes narrow. The expression is only there briefly, and Tokiya wonders if he imagined it, he hasn't slept properly in the last forty-eight hours, after all, and then the man is all smiles and his hand is on Tokiya's shoulder and it smells of cigarettes again but it's warm and the gently squeeze feels like pride.

“I told you, Tokiya. Life isn't so kind to all of us.” He opens his window and offers Tokiya a cigarette from the crumpled packet in the glove compartment. Tokiya takes one and lets his father light both with a green disposable lighter. The fuel level had been nearly full at the beginning of the week. It was Thursday now and the liquid in the lighter was just an inch from the bottom. Tokiya's father has to try three times to get a stable flame and the sickly smell of wasted gas wisps past Tokiya before disappearing out of the window. Tokiya hasn't smoked in years. It was a habit he had picked up from his first manager after his debut, back before he found less conspicuous ways to deal with the stress and exertion. He chokes on the first intake, and struggles to swallow the coughs as his lungs protest. He laughs through the coughs and smiles wryly once the fit has passed, subtly wiping his eyes with the cuff of his jacket.

“It's been a while.” His father shakes his head and looks out of his own window as he exhales. The street light above them is dimmer than the rest and so when the tip of the cigarette flares up with each puff it illuminates his father's face in a strange pink and orange light. Tokiya rests his arm against the windowsill and lets his cigarette burn down.

“So what's gotten you all pissy tonight?” Tokiya glances over at his father and shakes his head a little.

“It doesn't matter.”

“Come on, you can tell your old man, hm? Maybe I'll even be able to help you out.” He nudges Tokiya with his elbow and smiles at him.

“...I had an argument with my friend.” He sighs and stares out of the window at the trees on the roadside.

“Huh, which one?”

“Otoya.” Tokiya realises his father might not remember which one Otoya is, but it doesn't matter. “He...I think he's jealous.” Otoya didn't have it in him to be jealous, he knew that. He hoped he hadn't taken that too hard. In the back of his mind a niggling thought told him he knew that that wasn't impossible. He wished it would shut up.

“Hardly your friend, then.” Tokiya flinches and knows his father has seen it when he continues. “What? You gonna defend someone like that?”

“It's unlike him.”

“People change, Tokiya.”

“I guess...” His cigarette has burnt down to the butt and has begun to burn his fingers. He tosses it away from the car and rubs his thumb over the stinging patches on his index and middle fingers.

“You guess?” His father sighs beside him and the lighter clicks twice as he lights a new cigarette.

“Just forget him, Tokiya. You don't need him.” The words are muffled around the end of his cigarette as his father turns the key and the engine sputters into life once more.

“Right.” Tokiya leaves his window half-open as they pull away from the curb and lets the cold night wind disturbs his hair. He makes a non-committal hum in the back of his throat when his father repeats his words. Otoya might have been irritating and childish and Tokiya might sorely wish he would have less energy most days, but ever since he had forced his way into Tokiya's life, persistently pushing at the boundaries until he had had no choice but to accept the new addition, Otoya hadn't once failed him. Tokiya hadn't ever heard a bad thing come out of his mouth. He didn't need someone like that in his life, right? He wasn't sure any more. He wasn't good at this. Things had been much simpler before when he had only had to concentrate on HAYATO and other work. He had always worked better alone, hadn't he?

 

* * *

 

Tokiya wakes up with a headache and no recollection of how he got from his father's car into a bed. The room is small and the light spilling in from the half-open blinds is bright enough that Tokiya is sure it's lunch time already. He sits up slowly and buries his face in the top of the duvet as a wave of dizziness hits him. Rubbing the rounded edge of his palms into his cheeks he slowly wills the sick feeling away before looking up again. He recalls snatches of last night. Some bar. A bottle of vodka. He grimaces and stops that train of thought. Tentatively, he scoots to the edge of the bed and sways to his feet. He rubs his forehead with the hard part of his palm at the base of his thumb and pads towards the door. He is still dressed and his clothes are textured with deep creases and he can still smell cigarette smoke and the sour bar reek of spilt beer and sweat. There will be no explaining this away when he returns to Shining's manor and the others.

The door opens on a larger room: television set in the corner, kitchenette, his father's coat draped over one end of the faded sofa opposite the television. He walks over to the sink and turns on the cold tap. The floorboards creak under his feet and he is glad he's still wearing socks as he can feel hard bits of _something_ in amongst the fibres of the carpet. Carding wet fingers through his hair he ignores it as it makes the damp strands stand on end and shivers as droplets fall onto his neck and slide down his back. The dizziness has abated somewhat and he feels the headache more clearly and has to lean against the counter as it throbs into focus. He finds a glass and fills it with water, vaguely remembers Ren talking about water and crackers helping a hangover, though he can't remember if he had said to do that before or after drinking. It doesn't matter now. Carefully leaning against the counter, he pats his trousers down and tugs his phone out of his pocket. He has three missed calls. Two from Reiji, one from Haruka. Before, Otoya had been the only one to try and contact him. It's probably all he deserves. _Is_ all he deserves. Had he told Haruka? Otoya was bad at hiding it when he wasn't feeling himself, so it wasn't impossible that Haruka had figured it out on her own. That the rest of Starish might have done the same. The absence of Otoya's name in his call log is strange and Tokiya doesn't want to think about why. Haruka hadn't called him before, not that he could remember, though he knew he had given her his number. _For emergencies_ , he had said at the time and had meant for her to call him if _she_ needed help. He scrolls down to Reiji's number and presses the call button, crooks the phone against his ear and takes a long sip of the cold water. His throat aches and when Reiji answers it takes him a moment to form words to repond.

“Tokiya.”

“...Senpai I..”

“Are you intending on coming back to the dorm?” The dorm. Not home. Dorm.

“Yes, but I-”

“Well, that's something, then.” Reiji doesn't sound like himself, and Tokiya thinks he should be grateful. Hadn't he wished plenty of times before that the older man would tone down his antics and act more like a senior? How was it that saying went?

“I don't know when I'll be back.” He wants to say sorry, but Tokiya isn't sure what for. He's not the one that changed. Who made this awkward.

“As far as I've heard practice was cancelled for today anyway.”

“No bonding exercises?” Tokiya had hoped it might sound light-hearted and do something to break the monotone of Reiji's voice. It sounds bitter even to himself.

“No.”

“I'm sorry.” He hears Reiji sigh and the creak-rustle of movement, and wonders what the other man is doing. He hadn't bothered to look at the clock on his phone and didn't dare take it away from his ear to check so he wasn't sure what time it was. Was he in the room with Otoya?

“Do you even know what you're sorry for?” The question startles Tokiya, and he has to think about his answer long enough that Reiji fills in for him.

“You're not, clearly, as I'm not the one who deserves an apology.”

“I-”

“Don't take Otoya for granted, Tokiya.” The intensity of the words is strange in Reiji's mouth, and Tokiya holds his phone tighter, sets the glass of water in his other hand down as the slight tremor in his fingers from tiredness and pain turns to tremble.

“There is nothing worse than losing people who you care about, and who love you back, and living to regret it. Nothing. Don't make that mistake. _Please_. I don't want to watch that.” It might be static. A weak connection, a fault in the signal. It might be, but Reiji's voice hitches an octave higher over the last sentence and Tokiya isn't sure what to make of it.

“I'll try.” He hears Reiji hum on the other end of the line and the two fall into silence briefly.

“I'll be home soon.”

“Good. Good. I'll see you then.” Tokiya agrees and hangs up. The phone's cursor hovers over Haruka's name before he closes it and puts it back into his pocket. He's not sure he can face her right now, even just over the phone. If she has some idea of what happened she'll be worried. Not just for Otoya, but for him as well, and Tokiya's not sure he feels well enough to deal with that. He's never known what to do with Haruka, but he knows he needs her, and needs not to disappoint her and make her worry for him.

The apartment is small enough that finding the bathroom is mercifully easy and Tokiya does his best to make himself look less like he slept in his clothes and feels like several shades of awful. It works somewhat – there's little he can do for the dark creases under his eyes, or the paleness of his skin and nothing but a good wash and iron is going to get the crumples out of his shirt but he can't smell bar in the cotton any more and that's something. He towels the last dampness from his hair and hangs the towel back up when he hears a kettle boiling in the main room. His father is leant against the same spot of the counter he had been when Tokiya steps out of the bathroom.

“Morning.” Tokiya nods in response and approaches to retrieve his half-empty glass of water.

“You feeling like shit too?” The older man grins a big and when he empties the kettle into two mugs the air is filled with the smell of coffee. He pushes one cup towards Tokiya and picks the other up by the body of the mug.

“Do you have milk? Or sugar?” Tokiya winces when his father rolls his eyes.

“Milk went off a week ago. I don't have any sugar.”

“...Nevermind then.” He sips the coffee and it scalds his tongue and he can taste too much water but it might make him feel more alert so he tells himself it doesn't matter. The second sip doesn't take so bad, and he doesn't taste it at all after the third. Setting the still-warm but empty mug on the counter by the sink, Tokiya turns to his father.

“I need to head back home.”

“Want a lift?” He's unsure his father is in any fit state to be driving, but he doesn't have the cash in his wallet for a taxi and Tokiya knows he'd rather not deal with unfamiliar public transport whilst he feels like this.

“Sure. Thank you.” They take the stairs down to the ground floor because the lift isn't working. _Third fucking time this month_ his father grumbles but Tokiya is grateful; he's not sure his stomach or head would appreciate the jerky motion right now. The car journey is thankfully uneventful. The roads are quiet as most people are still at work, and his father must be feeling as awful as Tokiya does as he drives slowly, well below the speed limit, and doesn't take bends at the last moment. The engine doesn't sputter or whine so much today, either, and the murmur and hum of it running makes Tokiya want to lean back into the seat, lumpy and uncomfortable as it is from age and wear, and close his eyes. He shakes his head, closing his eyes against the dizziness that follows the movement, and pinches the bridge of his nose. He needs to know what he'll say to Reiji when he gets back. To Otoya. To Haruka. She deserves a proper explanation, and an apology. _As does Otoya_. _Don't take him for granted_. The voice in his head sounds suspiciously like Reiji but Tokiya doesn't let himself linger on that. He's been a good actor for years, and well-practised in assuaging concerns and doubts, but Tokiya knows he has never known how to deal with Haruka, or Otoya. He lied to them both for so long, about HAYATO, about his other weaknesses, and something about the thought of lying to them again makes him feel sicker than the hangover. Haruka has only wanted the best for him, for all of them, and he owes her better than this. He had promised her he would try harder, hadn't he? She had given him a second chance and he was making a fine mess of it.

As for Otoya...Tokiya had never known how to deal with him. Otoya seemed content with pretty much anything that happened, or he found some way to make himself satisfied with it. It was a trait Tokiya had never understood, but then he and Otoya were almost complete opposites. _It was a miracle they hadn't murdered each other during their first semester at Saotome Academy_ , he had heard that line plenty of times from various other students and had believed it for a long time himself. There was something about Otoya, though. Something that made him impossible to dislike. He admired the warmth and energy that radiated from him. Otoya had never complained about Tokiya coming back late, and hadn't been angry, only worried for Tokiya's well being, when the truth about HAYATO had come out. And Tokiya had repaid that by snapping at him and saying those things to him. Tokiya pressed his hand into his forehead, hoping the pressure would make the headache abate even just a little. All he could remember was the look on Otoya's face. The way the fight had fled from him with just that one sentence, _because it had come from Tokiya_ , and he had just accepted it. Had let Tokiya hit him and hadn't fought back when he had every reason and right to return the punch for that line. Having that power to break even Otoya's optimism frightened Tokiya, and he wanted nothing to do with it, but he had it and he had to take responsibility. He didn't want to, but Tokiya was used to doing things he didn't want to. Tokiya wouldn't let himself be weak now.

As the top of Shining's manor peeked up through the trees in the distance Tokiya doubled his efforts to lessen the effects of his headache. He needed to think clearly for this, and as miserable as he felt, he didn't want any of them to give him any slack because of it. He wanted Otoya to be angry with him. It was all he deserved, and he wanted to make this right. He could settle things with his father later. This was more important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I was going to get this finished so soon after episode 11. My god the writers pulled through for us Tokiya fans, didn't they? Not the angst I wanted but I'll settle for him being adorkable and in glasses. Who else got a bit teary during Crystal Time? "Do you remember the seven-coloured compass?" Oh you guys know how to slay me.
> 
> Still, the angst must go on. Should be coming to a head next chapter. Will Otoya forgive Tokiya? Will Tokiya finally stop being a stubborn idiot? ~Who knows~


End file.
